Sunday, May 31

You know when you are running a Marathon some miles just seem to come so quickly and yet others seem like they will never come.

I would have to say at this stage in the running we have just completed mile marker no. 3 (I better remember that so I don't have to run that one all over again - cannot even imagine having to run the same mile 2x in the same day). And what a big one this one is:

Today, Sunday, May 31, 2009, a cap was placed on Deano's trach (yes I know it wasn't trace - corrected as soon as I realized). There are no words that I can find today to express how huge this feels for so many reasons.

First let me tell you something that I thought was pretty funny. My Dr. stories. Anyway, today when the Dr. walked in the room; he gave his standard "He's doing good" and I have been practicing to be okay with that. AND THEN, the Dr. says we are going to cap the trach today. I said to the Dr., "are you sure it's ok?" He then just looked at me and said "Yeah, I am pretty sure it is okay". Everyone there laughed.

So, now his throat and vocal cords can really begin to heal and we will know what the path will be with his language. And if everything starts to heal and he is swallowing then they can begin to orally introduce some nutritional liquids and then if he handles those well the feeding tube can be removed.

The cap will stay in place right now for emergencies and to allow Dean to be suctioned. If he does well over a period of time (don't really now what that is)then the cap can be removed and that hole will close up.

I am so excited about this. Huge, huge, huge step in his recovery.

Oh, and the more tubes that can be removed; the more rehabilitation work.

And today, Mark of Mark and Karen visited with Deano and Mark and Deano were having a conversation about music. Mark is going to burn a few CD's for Deano and was trying to find out what style of music he (Deano) enjoyed. So, Mark indicated to Deano 1 finger for Yes and 2 fingers for No. First question: Do you like electric (I think that's what it was) music? Dean held up 2 fingers (no). Now I wanted to make sure Deano understood. So, next question: Do you like the Who? (I already knew the answer to this question, of course). Dean held up 1 finger (yes). This is all great news. Did I mention how excited I am?

Aunt Sylvia and Papa John haven't seen Deano for 1-1/2 weeks and they noticed as did my Mom and Grandma Jo that when Deano smiles now more of the right side of his mouth is moving.

Oh, and Dean looks much more like Deano without the trach collar on.

I'm so excited; I'm about to loose control and I just can't hide it!!!! (I think the actual words were "and I think I like it"-Don't know if I am ready for that one yet)(Maybe tomorrow).

On a personal note this weekend was interesting for me because I had to get back to trying to live my life with Riley. We didn't have milk and I ran out of laundry detergent, etc. So, I had to make Costco run along with the super market and putting gas in my car, etc.....

P.S. Papa John I heard what you said :-) and sometimes we just don't have a choice.

P.S.S. Hey Uncle Jim (Colorado Uncle Jim not Seattle Uncle Jim), so much for the Loogies or was it Denver Nuggets. Well I guess we can say loogies now - good thing they were already home. Now they don't have to pout on the flight home.....To bad to sad :-()

Saturday, May 30

June Gloom already:

Something about this weather I just love.

Not much to say today.

Good evening everyone..................

Friday, May 29

Wow we are quickly approaching the end of another month.

Funny (not like haha more like ironic or should I say isn't it ironic) how I am measuring time on Deano time. Boy he should be laughing his ass off right about now. I cannot tell, however, if it (time that is) has stopped, slowed or accelerated.

I guess when you are running 26.2 miles the only thing you can do with time is run faster or slower (for what ever that is worth).

My mom and dad were with Dean today and Deano was sitting up again in his special chair.

When I saw him this evening I think he was tired and probably needing to rest.

It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood, a beautiful day in the neighborhood. Won't you be my neighbor. (Just thought I'd throw that one in)

Thursday, May 28

This afternoon when I saw Dean, I was suprised to see him sitting up in his room. Not by himself and in a special chair and sitting up. He was looking around and working on acclimating himself. They put him back in bed before I left and he had been sitting up for almost two hours.

Now when they put him in this chair we can take him outside for some fresh air.

Stay tuned................

Wednesday, May 27

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!

And yawwwwwwwwwwwwwwwnnnnnnnnn!!!

Deano definately not feeling well today.

That is it; that is all (just for tonight).

Tuesday, May 26

Here's the deal:

Since I seemed, to again, run out of lyrics it seems, I am now relating to sports (for all you sports fans out there). And I am thinking today might be more about the challenges I am faced with (and that in no way is intended to deminish the challenges facing Dean).

So I never played football and I was no good at basketball. So, since I have completed 3 marathons and 2 1/2 ones I figure running might make for some good analogies.

Okay so here goes it's race day (April 3) and the adrenaline is pumping and you are nervous and excited because you know you have trained for this day. Now I have only run the LA and it takes apprx. 15 - 20 just to get to the start of the race. The first couple of miles you have to make sure not to trip over anyone or anything.

Now this is where I am in the race right now: Probably, between miles 3 and 4 the crowd starts to break up and you are trying to get comfortable at your pace and the ipod (well actually not the ipod because I never ran a race with an ipod) so the walkman is set to the channel that is going to give the most bang for your buck and you are just settling in. And then, AND THEN, it happens, the chatter: omg this is going to be a long day, did I train hard enough, maybe I shouldn't have eaten that one cookie 3 months ago because I can feel it in my belly right now, do I have to pee or am I just nervous. Are you cut out for this or maybe I could just give up right now and catch the bus and that would be okay, no shame in that, I tried, and there is always next year. Why did I think I could do this. Omg I am already breathing hard and tired and then everything starts to hurt.

Okay so that is where I am at right now. Just had to get it out.

On a better note I saw one of the nurses this evening and she told me Deano said "Okay". What I couldn't get out of her was did he mouth it or was it an actual sound. No matter, I guess, Okay is Okay and he seems to be doing okay for now.

Riley had his AllStar game this evening and sad to say his team lost. A lot of his team mates from the regular season were on his all star team. And that team improved so much - one thing they needed to work on, however, was shooting from within the key (did I say that right). A lot of missed shots when everything you are shooting is from the 3 point lines. Anyway still very exciting to see Riley progress.

P.S. Thank you, Evan George, Ingraham High School, Class of 78 for the beautiful flower you sent to Dean.

P.S.S. Hey Uncle Jim, what did you say?????

Monday, May 25

Hey all you sports fans out there......

We have basketball, baseball and the French Open started this weekend and don't forget the LA Marathon:

So if we were playing football, I have been told that we are actually in the second quarter of the game. The first quarter being the life and death quarter and getting Deano stabilized. The second quarter is where we are now. And that would be working with Deano and attempting to remove all the tubes from his body, ie: feeding tube, trach, etc... The third quarter being total rehabilitation, learning to talk and walk and eat and reestablish Deano in everyday living and the fourth quarter would be he comes home and we all live happily ever after.

Depending on what sport you fancy and some sports have timed quarters; the difference here is that our quarters do not have a set amount of time and some quarters will take longer than others and, of course, I would want the fourth quarter (happily ever after) to last the longest. So if I was running a Marathon (and I have) I would say we were entering the part of the race where you have probably settled your nerves and you are just settling into your race pace and hopefully enjoying the cruz.

So these past couple of days we have not seen any big, big changes and that is good because we are not going backwards either. With the exception of the temperature he was running when he first transferred to his new "Sacred Place of Healing" he has been infection free and that is what he really needs right now. The respiratory specialists were taking the cap off the trach to suction some of the phlegm and the Dr. no longer wants them to do that. The Dr. believes Deano's cough is strong enough for him to cough it all the way out on his own. I don't know if I mentioned previously, the ventilator is not even in Dean's room.

Dean's attempts to verbally communicate are very visible now. We even took the lap top into him and that was a little frustrating for him - we need to try and get all the angles a little better for him.

Now that Riley can see all these fabulous signs of healing in his dad, Riley is really pushing Deano. I don't think he really understands with a brain injury all this is going to take time and his brain is still healing. Hell, I am 45 and I had no concept of this either. With all the things that Dean is trying to do, you or I can see that he is becoming more frustrated and rightly so.

So keep cheering and being in the stands or the playing field with us because Aunt Rose is absolutely right we all need the love and support.

Lets go defense...................................

Sunday, May 24

No news today and I guess that would be good news!!!!

Good night......................

Saturday, May 23

What a beautiful holiday, day today:

I saw the Dr. today and there are no changes. The Dr. asked whether or not I was going to be able to handle the days where there are not changes. My reponse: "Shit, I guess I am going to have to". Today, again upon seeing me in Deano's room the Dr. said Oh no!! I told him come on doc, I know you like me. To which he responded, "I guess in some odd way, I do". (I knew you would eventually - I have to say you came around much sooner than I anticipated).

Though there are no changes to speak of; this is much better than a step backwards and I can see (and others have noticed - not just me wishing and hoping) that Deano is really trying to say the magic word (magic for now anyway) "Coca Cola". My mom seems to think saying caca may be just as helpful.

Today I actually took in some paper and sharpies for Dean. I gave him 3 colors of the sharpies to choose from (blue, black and red) and he chose red. Now the first time I took the cap off for him and handed him the marker he chose. The next time I let him choose and he again chose red. Now this time I did not take the cap off and he did what any one would have done without a free hand and placed the cap in his mouth and pulled the marker and while holding the cap in his mouth put the end in the cap (are you getting the visual)(good).

Are you just waiting in anticipation of what he could have possibly written or drawn with his left hand (he is a righty). Even with his left hand and you could see the concentration that went into this, it was clearly: SOS!!! OMG if that did not break my heart...

Hasta luego.............................

Friday, May 22

For once, unafraid, I can go where life leads me
And somehow I know I'll be strong.
For once I can touch what my heart used to dream of
Long before I knew

Another funny story for ya all today: When Dr. Hourani (spelling) walked into Deano's room today and saw me standing there; he (the Dr. not Deano) looked at me and said oh, oh. Me, my mom and Sylvia all though it was pretty funny (maybe you had to be there).

The speech therapist was there today and I got an explanation on what it means to fail the "Swallow Test". What they do is orally give Deano (or the patient) colored ice chips (blue in our case) and then they open the plugged trach and the color that is in the trach indicates whether or not Deano was swallowing and since he failed that means no swallowing and they were draining blue liquid from the trach for an hour. Today what they did to try and activate those glands to cause swallowing is place lemon flavored swabs in his mouth (Shit I was salivating and swallowing - then again maybe that's why he isn't). So the key words to work the swallow muscle (you will never guess so I wont keep you in suspense) "Coca Cola". How is that for advertising.

So the thing is the breathing muscle and the swallowing muscle are two separate issues and the trach could in essence be removed even though Dean cannot swallow. The importance of swallowing right now is so he can start eating (you know cheeseburgers and sushi and stuff like that) and they can remove the feeding tube from his stomach.

It is official because Dr. Hourani said so: Dean is no longer in a coma. (See how far we have come since April 3 and you ain't seen noth'n yet). The Doc (so I wont always have to put "spelling) seems to think that Deano will be communicating verbally soon and he said that to. When the Doc was in today Dean opened his mouth nice and wide. Now we just need to figure out what needs to come out.

Dean still appears to be either very uncomfortable (and who wouldn't be) or in pain (which causes discomfort). Still trying to figure out because his no.'s look good (within range for oxygenation and beats per minute) and no fever or infection.

When the doc asked Deano what hurt it seemed like he indicated the placement of the feeding tube (so that is a possibility). I will keep trying to figure out.

Be safe all you holiday travelers.............................


For once in my life I won't let sorrow hurt me
Not like it's hurt me before
For once, I can say, this is mine, you can't take it
As long as I know I have love,
I can make it

Thursday, May 21

Happy Memorial Day Everyone. Have a safe celebration!!!!

Nothing to report today. I had a Dr.'s appt. so I did not see any of the therapits or Dr.'s today.

Riley and I saw Dean this evening and he looked very tired.

Take care........................

Wednesday, May 20

All I want is to see you smile,
If it takes just a little while,
I know you don't believe that it's true,
I never meant any harm to you.

This afternoon I saw Dr. Englandoff and she indicated that Deano appears to be doing very well with the trach cap on and the it could be removed within the next couple of days and quite possibly by tomorrow.

I also saw the physical therapist and he said Deano seems to be much more responsive to him which means he can start doing a lot more things with him. So he will now start working with Deano every day instead of every other day and he had Deano sitting up on the side of the bed (not by himself, of course). He said they would also start sitting him up in a chair (special one) for short periods of time. And rather than the therapist doing the work for Dean; Dean will start doing more of it by himself.

When I saw Deano this evening he was looking a little uncomfortable and tired (probably from physical therapy today).

Don't stop, thinking about tomorrow,
Don't stop, it'll soon be here,
It'll be better than before,
Yesterday's gone, yesterday's gone.

P.S. No picture available of Deano with the goatee - it got shaved off today while I was at work. Next time.

P.S.S. My son is pretty handsome, even if I do say so myself, and he is 9 years strong.

Tuesday, May 19

Busy day today!!!

Uncle Jim and Grandma May are on their way back to Seattle.

Deano was looking just a tad bit tired today.

Apparently both the speech and physical therapists had been in with him. The speech therapist indicated that Deano may not be quite ready for swallowing and the physical therapist added some exercises for dexterity.

I was in the room with Deano when Dr. Hourani (spelling) made his rounds. Dean was very tickled when the Dr. said that his name would be the first words out of Deano's mouth. Also when the Dr. asked Deano if he was feeling okay today, Deano responded with a nod of the head.

I gave Deano a mirror today so he could see how handsome he looks with his goatee. I also handed him a tooth brush and he knew exactly what to do with it.

The Dr. really wants to proceed to let that trach close up and he just has to be sure that Deano can continue to cough every thing in his lungs up and out (if you will). One of the therapist mentioned to Uncle Jim that they would probably reinsert the trach to make sure his lungs were being hydrated. Inch by Inch.

New adjustments without having May and Jim here.

Slow and steady wins the race (so I am told)...................

P.S. Riley had his basketball game tonight to determine 3rd and 4th place teams. Sadly Riley's team ended the season in last place. And omg what a fantastic game. Final score was 19 - 20. The bleachers were full and the crowd were on their feet. Riley was so upset he just sat down and cried. NOW the good news he was picked for the All Star Team. (Go Riley). The determination on those kids face (you can't pay to see that).

Monday, May 18

It's a great big beautiful tomorrow

Dean looked much better today than yesterday. The plugging of the trach really wore him out and actually I think it was the coughing that it caused. Today he seemed much more relaxed and engaged.

The speech therapist was going to perform a swallow test on him. Meaning they were going to give him some ice chips to see how he responded. I do not yet know the results.

Our friends Chris and Kelley visted with Deano tonight and Kelly said Dean was visibly swallowing and making sounds.

He has come so far - we have come so far.

Shining at the end of every day..................................

Sunday, May 17

Here comes the sum
Here comes the sun
And I say it's all right

Today, I was really busy at the hospital. It seems like I have learned things I never even dreamt I wanted to learn.

Dean was shaved first thing this morning (I left him with a goatee - because that is the way I like it and until Deano can tell me different), we worked on his physical therapy exercises and Deano's hands and feet were given a rub down with aloe vera (his skin is very dry and chapped). When I told him how handsome he looked he got that little grin that I really do love so much. After we finally found some one that had a mirror in their purse we let Deano take a look for himself.

Deano had a few visitors in the am and he seems to tire quickly. Today, I believe marks the 7th or 8th day with NO ventilator. The Dr.'s seemed to be pleased with his progress and today the trach was capped and he now has an oxygen mask (but not really a mask; it's those two tiny tubes inside his nose that supply oxygen). The cap will remain in place for a period of time (unknown at this point) to see how he tolerates and then eventually they will let the hole where the trach is close up. According to the Respiratory Specialist once they decide to close that up; it will close itself in one day. Also, now with only the cap in place, should Deano desire to speak he can do so. I was told by the Respiratory Specialist that it will probably take Deano a little bit of time to adjust with out the trach and just the cap. The change over to the cap really seam to affect Deano. He is coughing up quite a bit of phlegm and his eyes really look like there was something bothering him this evening. Frustrating for me because I cannot figure that one out. I made sure he wasn't running a fever and that he was turned and clean and put a cool cloth on his head. We are making progress and I just get worried when I cannot figure out what it is that seems to be causing him discomfort.

Those of you who know Deano well, know that he always believed he would marry a Blondie and today when the Blondie walked in the room she got all of his attention. Still Deano in there.

Little Darling
the smiles returning to their faces
Little Darling
its seems like years since it's been there
Here comes the sun
here coms the sun
And I say it's all right.......................

Saturday, May 16

Today I am on both an emotional high and low, at the same time (yes, I can do more than one thing at a time).

First the cause of the emotional high: Today found Deano very, very, very animated. He was tickled by so many things and obviously so. His mom caught him peeking down my top and when I told him "not in front of your Mom", I got to see that mischievous grin (just like old times) and I now know what a treat that is.

I promised Deano I would honor his "Sacred Place of Healing" and to share the cause of my emotional low would be to dishonor that place.

Suffice to say that the more visitors he can have through out the day and evening at random times to check in on him so he isn't lonely would be a really good thing.

So, please if you find yourself in that area, please just stop in and give him knuckles or a high 5 just to let him know we are all out here and waiting for him to return. This would be so helpful especially since May and Jim are flying back home on Tuesday evening after Riley's basketball game.


Still hang'n in there.............................

Friday, May 15

Welcome to my world.
Won't you come on in.
Miracles, I guess, still happen now and then

Well if I am counting correctly, this should mark the 6th full day that the ventilator has been turned off and Dean has been breathing on his own. Way to go Deano!!!! Get those lungs nice and strong so we can get this train move'n along. All aboard.

Now I have something to share that I think will bring a smile to every one's face. Today I met the Physical Therapist at the hospital so he could show me some exercises to work on with Deano (I knew I would get you to work out with me). Anyway, I was doing as I was told, lifting his right leg and I said "Wow, Deano, your leg is really heavy". Then I said "Maybe we should get you a new wife (meaning someone bigger and stronger to lift his leg) and do you know he (Deano) thought that was funny and he laughed (not lol) but the features on his face changed and his eyes sparkled and his lip went up (kind of like Elvis (Presley that is not Costello).

Thank you all out there and just keep the love and prayers coming.

I am starting to feel a little tired (I will keep going)(We have alot at stake here).

I will let the strength of all your prayers and love hold me up.

Step into my heart.
Leave your cares behind.
Welcome to my world built with you in mind............

Thursday, May 14

It's been one hill after another and I've climbed them all one by one

Dean's fever appears to be under control. We will not have the results of the cause of the fever for a few days. A chest Xray was taken and I was told this evening by one of the nurses that there is fluid in his lungs.

I am trying to be in contact with the Dr. so I can get a more clear picture of an assessment and course of action for Deano's recovery.

Thank you everyone out there. I was told this evening by another nurse that she has never seen a patient get so much attention from visitors. We are a 5 star healing place filled with so much love and care. KEEP IT COM'N LOVE; KEEP IT COM'N LOVE!!!!!

And this time, Lord, you gave Me a Mountain. It isn't the hills any longer, you gave me a Mountain this time.........

Wednesday, May 13

Hold on, just a little bit tighter now Baby

I think Deano really enjoyed his visit today from all his friends at BP.

When I saw Deano tonight I could tell he just wasn't feeling well. The nurse said his temperature was 101.

I love you so much that I can't let go, no, no, no.................

Tuesday, May 12

When you have reached the end of all the light that you know,
and you must step out into the darkness of the unknown,
faith is knowing that one of two thing will happen;
Either you will have something solid to stand on,
or you will be taught to fly!

Anyone out there taking bets????

I didn't get to see Deano until late tonight and the one checking on his trach said Dean is doing really well and when they can see that he can continue to cough up all the stuff in his lungs they can then progress to the next step of weaning.

Jim saw the Dr. today and the Dr. said Deano is making progress.

I called his name tonight and he looked up. He seems to really like having his feet rubbed and his hands and his back (gee where can I get that kind of service).

Getting late got to get up for work manana....

P.S. Riley's playoff game was tonight and the though the Bulls did not prevail, what an exciting game. The game went into overtime with a tied score of 18 - final score 18-20. The fans were out of their seats and everything. Next playoff game on Tuesday and then voting for the allstate game. Keep your fingers crossed that Ry will make allstar team.

Monday, May 11

I like to dream
Yes, Yes right between the sound machine
On a cloud of sight I drift in the night
Any place it goes is right
Goes far, flies near, to the stars away from here:

I have learned so many, many of life's lessons in this past month. And though I am saddened by the course of events that have touched our lives; when I can catch a breath, it is in those moments that I can reflect and appreciate all that has come to me. There was even a lesson in the speeding ticket I received this morning - it reminded me I was driving and not even paying attention. I couldn't even remember driving down that street today.

Today I am humbled and reminded by a dear friend: who am I to know the difference between someone else's Club Med and Motel 6. Thank you.

And to Deano, I apologize for not honoring your "Sacred Healing Place" and this is where the next stop of our journey together has found us and for you I shall honor this place as your sacred place.

Thank you mom for knowing that even when I did not and taking the time to set up a beautiful plant and to Mama Namba for the purple crystal (because Miya said purple is a healing color).

I was not at the hospital today when the Dr.'s made their rounds but Mom and Dad were there and the Dr. said Dean is making progress.

Carlos and Jim were with Dean when the physical therapist was in and the therapist showed Carlos and Jim some work that we can do with Deano when the therapist is not there.

Today will be the third day that Dean has not been on the ventilator (see what a magical place he is in). (Slow and steady wins the race - and for those of you who know Deano, he is pretty good at slow and steady).

Yesterday, I spent the day with Deano and I gave him my ring and he rolled it around in his fingers and then I gave him the bracelet he bought me in Hawaii and he held on to it.

Now when I ask Deano for a kiss I can see that he is lifting his head towards me.

So through the eyes and ears of loved ones I will continue to update you on Deano's progress.

Keep the love and prayers coming.

Sunday, May 10

Amor, no te vayas sin me


Well we certainly have had a busy weekend with birthdays and Mothers Day. Happy Mothers Day to all you moms out there.

You may have figured out already we were blessed with a visit from Bonnie, Jim's wife, and their two kids, Alex and Miya. My GRACIOUS family planned, in a very short amount of time, a fabulous birthday party for May. Great cook'n Graham Lammers. I owe you a weekend of baby sitting (not now and sometime before they are teenagers).

Okay let me see if I can, in as few words as possible, describe the difference between Club Med and Motel 6 (and yes, I guess Motel 6 can be okay but shit once you go Club Med you just don't want any thing else unless of course we are going from 5 star to double 5 star).

-At Club Med when I need an update on Dean at 9pm I did not have to wait 10 minutes on the phone
-At Club Med when I asked the nurse a question the response wasn't "gee I don't know, I will have to check the file"; the response was, I got a response.
-At Club Med the paint was not peeling away from the wall
-At Club Med when those in charge said they made there rounds between 9 and 10 they were there between 9 and 10; not at 2pm

Okay so lets try and find something pleasant about Motel 6 since we probably will be residing here for awhile.

This afternoon I spoke to Dr. Englandoff (or something of that nature) and she seemed very nice and caring. That made me feel a little bit better. The grounds are really pretty and the nurses seem to like doughnuts and cookies (my mamma did not raise no full). Shit next weekend they may be eating Tito's Tacos.

Anyway, lets see if I can get back on track here: Dean has been off the ventilator now for two days (Yeah). The process to wean him totally from the ventilator is still not determined.

After speaking with Dr. Englandoff it is my understanding they may start some slight physical therapy with Deano tomorrow. They will initially concentrate on getting his left side stronger. The strength on his left side is already visibly stronger. Deano continues to grab for my hand and touch my face and hair (Deano I really miss you).

Okay so now I begin to get way out of my comfort zone. I need help. And this is how I need help: You may or may not know last Thursday I started back to work which means I cannot be at the hospital as often as I like to be especially since it is now Motel 6 and not Club Med. I strongly feel that if there is a steady stream of friends and family checking in on Dean then the staff will know or feel like "it always feels like some ones watching me, and I have not privacy". Which is what I want them to know, that we are watching out for Deano. So in case the need is not clear, a steady stream of visitors on a continuous basis would be really cool and thank you.

Por favor, no te vayas sin mi.

Saturday, May9

Today I am speechless, without even the lyrics of a song to quote. Good night Until we meet again...................

Friday, May 8

Here is the deal when you have stayed 5 star; 2 star some how just does not compare.

Christine Stovall stopped by the hospital on her way home tonight and the nurse told her that Deano is there most popular patient. He gets phone calls all day and all the way from New York. That's right let them know we are watching to make sure he is receiving the care he so desperately needs.

I close out my day with a heavy heart or should I say broken heart or maybe it would be more honest to say shattered heart.

I feel helpless and quite frankly hopeless on this day. I can see in Deano's eyes he is not liking this place. I wish I could pick him up from that bed and bring him home with me right now.


Mercy, I give up, I am throwing in the white towel.

Thursday, May 7

I'm turning to you, when love is on my mind
You're all I want, and Love's so hard to find
I know I hurt you, and I know that I was wrong (and that doesn't mean you weren't)(I am the one doing the writing)(when you are able then you may put your 2 pennies in)
But I want you back, back where you belong:

In case you all did not know I went back to work today, more about that later, maybe. Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law..(hahaha!!)(I always feel like some one's watching me and I have no privacy) (Who sang that one?)

We should have got a clue that something was up when May called me at the office to report when the Dr's rounded this morning they completely skipped over Deano's Room. Things that may you go hmmmmmmm and then make you absolutely pissed off and cry all over again.

Deano Namba is no longer vacationing at Club Med. Due to the cost and depletion of happy money Dean decided to move into Motel 6 for now. Now we have been assured by the people at club med that Dean will be cared for very nicely at Motel 6 and after all they do leave the lights on for you.

Okay so I am sure most of you got he wasn't really at Club Med and really did not transfer to Motel 6. Funny though - don't you think.

I guess at some point between yesterday morning and this morning's rounds and unbeknown st to us it was decided that Deano could no longer stay at UCLA for ventilator weaning and has been moved to: Kindred Hospital/Los Angeles, 5525 West Slauson Avenue, Los Angeles, CA 90056, (310) 642-0325, Room 53B-East Wing. Well we should still feel right at home both places have wings. Whoopty shit! This is a long term facility and there term of long term is 21 days. While trying to wean Dean they will also see if they can start some physical therapy to strengthen his muscles, some occupational therapy and maybe some speech therapy. Their main focus, however, will be to get him off the ventilator as quickly as they can safely do so.

Here, some fun stuff for you all: Before me and Jim left Kindred this evening, Deano gave Jim knuckles and low five. Now really cool stuff I kissed Dean and was really close to his face and he reached up and stroked my hair and he held my hand back today. Shit you think that didn't flood the hospital floor with my tears. I think I now know you can truly love the soul of a person and that is what he gave me tonight. (The little things we miss when we are not looking).

And I won't give you up, no I won't walk away
I hope and I pray, I hope and I pray
You'll forgive me someday

I'll fight for you, I'll give you all I got to give
I'll fight for you, as long as we both should live

Wednesday, May 6

As time goes on, I realize
Just what you mean to me.
And now, now that you're near,
Promise your love that I've waited to share

By the way Nurses week is from May 6 through May 12 so if any of you have nurses out there, remember to show your appreciation.

It appears Deano is no longer critical, the good news and the bad news. Now his nurse no only has him as her patient bust usually one or two other ones. I guess that seems to be okay but not when my husband has taken a dump and he is visibly uncomfortable and lying there with no words waiting to be cleaned up. Get my drift.

Dean was placed back on pressure support which means he does the breathing and the ventilator just holds a line open so his breathing won't be restricted. He did very well on the pressure support so they placed the trace collar on him for 2 hours and apparently that also went well. It appears that this exercise is quite exhausting for him. The will try the trace collar two more times this evening.

Dean reached up his hand and placed it on my cheek. That felt really, really, really, gooooooooood.

May and I picked-up Jim from the airport today. On Friday, Bonnie, Alex and Miya are coming in.

And dreams of our moments together.
Color my world with hopes of loving you.

Tuesday, May 5

Feliz Cinco De Mayo:

Carefull to all you out there celebrating this reason to drink cerveza and margueritas.

Now my guess when you are in the ICU there are probably a few people you don't want to see, the case manager and the discharge specialist, unless of course the patient is prepared to say Hasta La Vista, Baby! And in this case we are not.

Tomorrow me, Riley, May and Jim will take a tour of one of the facilities which may mark the next stop on this very turbulent train ride.

May remains hopeful and I am trying to follow her lead that Dean will wake up and begin to smell the aroma of the coffee and as I would say: "Time to piss or get off the pot". Yeah, now would be a really good time for that.

Jennie the nurse from yesterday placed a picture of Dean and Riley on the ventilator and Dean appears to be staring at the picture and attempting to grab at it or just feel it. He is also raising his hand to his face and touching his eyes, nose and lips.

I think I am getting car sick from the train ride.

Hasta Luego..................

Monday, May 4

Open up your heart, Let's come together. Use a little Love and we will make it work together

Today found Deano more awake than yesterday and definately with lots more life in his eyes. Deano even managed a smile for Papa John. That was really cool. And though Dean is still not following commands (per say) you can just tell he is more alert.

So at this very moment we need prayers so that Deano can be weaned from the ventilator during his stay in the ICU at UCLA. It appears Vesspa's Team will give it another go tomorrow (meaning trace collar). If he can be weaned while in the ICU then they will just move him to another room on a different floor at UCLA.

If he cannot be weaned then we will have to start looking at two different facilities to move him to (Kindred Hospital or Barlow) where they will take over the weaning process.

In terms of the care he is currently receiving I believe in my heart that it would be so much better for Deano if he can be weaned here at UCLA rather than having to transfer him to a different hospital and then transfer him again to a rehab facility.

Come on Baby you really need to fight right now - not for a full recovery just yet; just to get your lungs healthy and off that ventilator. I cannot even imagine what this must be like for you and I just really need you to come through on this.

I don't ask for much. I only want your trust.
And you know it don't come easy.
And this love of mine keeps growing all the time.
And you know it don't come easy.

Sunday, May 3

Don't you know I'm still standing better than I ever did (for how much longer is a mystery)
Looking like a true survivor, feeling like a little kid (not so much)

I said yesterday how much trust and confidence we (or should I say I) place with the Dr.'s because they are the ones with all the schooling and experience in things like this that we never even think we will ever be faced with. And after speaking with Dr. Vesspa (via his robot) yesterday there was a place in me filled with so much hope. And how quickly hope can fade.

My dilemma and where I am so torn: I so want Dean to make a full recovery both because I think he and I still have a lot of things to resolve with each other and a lot of things to experience together and because Riley needs his Daddy and then I know what Dean's wishes are as far as quality of life.

Last night they tried the trace collar again and when the blood gas results came back they were worse than ever so this morning when we got to the hospital the ventilator was turned back on (the SIMV - 4).

So today instead of working with him further to wean from the ventilator and get him sitting up they have decided to just leave him alone for today. I was told by Gabriella, the nurse for today, that Tim, his nurse last night, had indicated that he did not rest well last night.

May and I missed the Dr. this morning because we got home last night to a water heater that had spilled water all over the back yard. The plumber came out last night around 8pm to inspect and returned this morning at 7:30 am to fix and was done by 8:45 am. Such a small insignificant thing and yet so traumatic for me right now. When I shared this with Deano this morning he just looked right through me like I wasn't even there.

Riley went in to visit with Deano for a few seconds this morning. Riley is planning a summer trip for him and his Dad to Seattle.

I am still standing, yeah, yeah, yeah.........................

P.S. Hey Ricky Elliott, May Namba would like your email address. Also to answer your question: yes they did give him drugs for the coma and now new drugs to awaken him.

Saturday, May 2

But if you need me, show me that you love me. And when I'm feeling down, wearing a frown, You be there when I look around:

Thank you Bimbi from New York, for the interesting information about Ambien and coma patients. I read the articles and discussed with the Dr. this morning. Dr. Vesspa was not in favor of the use of Ambien for Deano and instead has perscribed Provigil for him. This is a drug used for patience in deep sleeps and would be similar to a very strong dose of caffine. We should probably just give him the Starbucks coffee(after all we do need to support the stock value of Starbucks).

Well today we have another wonderful and caring Nurse, Gabriella. Not like yesterday. The only nurse that May and I have not cared for. Her name was Mensi and she was just not as attentive as what we are used to.

Garbriella printed out some information on websites for information on rehab.

The plan is to have Dean on the trace collar for 60 minutes 3 times a day. The first 60 minute session was at 11:30 am today and we stayed to make sure it came off after (oops double prep again, too bad too sad) the 60 minutes was over. According to Meredith, the respiratory specialist he handled this 60 minutes quite well. She will be able to confirm that after she reviews the results of the blood gas test.

Also, today they want to sit him up in a special chair. Of course that terrifies me because I fear unmonitored he may fall. So May and I will be here until they put him in the chair to sit with him, make sure he does not fall and to make sure after 2 hours is up he is placed back in bed.

Dean's eye's are open more frequently and Gabriella said there is definately alot of communication going on in the eyes. However, he is still not following any commands. Mom and Carlos say he looks really pissed off. Quite frankly that is the emotion I am getting when I look into his eyes. Bring it on Baby!!!!

Dean is currently being given antibiotics for Klebsiella (fancy name). Doesn't sound so good when I read about it on the internet. So I will have to keep praying for the best.

We place so much trust in the care and information we receive from the Dr.'s and hospital staff. I sometimes feel guilty because I feel like I should know more about what is happening with Deano and then when I investigate all the information could drive a person crazy with concern.

Again today I presented Dr. Vesspa with the question (now I have been told and I have learned, the hard way, I might add, never ask a question where you don't want to know the answer): "Is this as good as it gets for Deano?"

Thank you Dr. Vesspa for your honesty. He said he believed that Deano could in fact make a recovery which would include him talking and walking. He said he probably would never work again because he will probably have trouble concentrating (Dean said he didn't mind being Mr. Mom) and that he may have some issues with emotions. Oh, maybe that anger I see in his eyes is something.

And I am still here.

Just gimme some kind of sign........................

Friday, May 1

May and I ventured to the Hospital today.

Sorry to all out there. Today I am discouraged and feeling as though the air is being sucked out of my lungs.

I have nothing to report.

Until tomorrow...............